carlos.

in our haste we told each other off. never let each other speak. 

we took our clothes off. 

let the light touch your inner thigh. 

my feet failed me. my heart sank. 

i fell for you. the boy ive been looking for. i searched for you. in my sheets, when i masturbated. when i came. 

i was so lost in childish shit. 

don’t play with your hair like that. 

make me laugh one last time. 

oh, you gave up walking in the dark. 

we, were both young. 

it’s not enough though.

to apologize. 

i want at least a kiss. 

a long one. a passionate one. 

but i fucked up that part. 

you were too involved with your 

art. i was alone. i was sad. 

i was horny. 

it didn’t make sense to call you. 

i went and met up with a guy. 

and he reminded me so much of you.

his facial hair. the way he smiled every time i kissed his neck. but he wasn’t you…. i should stop talking shouldn’t i? you’re not saying anything. i’m worried. i don’t want you back, i don’t think. i’m happy. and you’re not. you’re stone. and you always will be. -i walked away. i am happy-

gloom

i didn't like his scent, or his kisses, he reminded me of carlos, cold and ugly under the covers. i put my shoes back on and walked outside. my arms were weak. and my legs were shaking. i was high. and in pain. 

i felt ugly. i feel ugly. i went back. and let him fuck me. he made me feel little. i love alcohol. and hate smoking weed. i hate his facial hair. and I hate the way he held me. and i couldn't come with him. i couldn't love him. i don't love him, if i think about it now, the pain in my stomach comes back, his saliva in my mouth. the way he touched me. i hated myself. hate myself for letting him fuck me. i couldn't come with him. i didn't want to come with him. 

free my hands

i tried to love you. 

and you didn't try at all. 

you just sat there holding my hands. 

tight. like if you let them go i'd disappear or something. 

you tried to kiss me. and i moved my face. you tried to hold me, but i moved away. you tried to fuck me, and i let you do it, in the backseat of your dads car. 

and you held my hands still. as if letting go this time i'd, i don't know try and put my sweater on. 

you dropped me off outside my house, and i tried to look away. but you stayed there. and the look on your face, it looked as if you wanted to hold my hand. 

bleach

i want to wash out all the memories, and i mean it this time

i want to forget you ever made me smile, and that you fucked me in your dads car

i want to walk around town and not think of you, i want to drink lemonade and not be reminded of your stupid pucker

i want all the kisses i gave you back, signed and sealed in an envelope. 

i want you out of here, and in the dark. you keep hurting me

i am not sad anymore, just angry, or confused

you should want all these things too

ill gladly give them back to you

but for now you shouldnt exist not here

how did you ruin me

i dont really care how it happens just as long as it happens fast and with your mouth open
i dont really know where itll happen
but wherever it happens i hope you dont look back
why did i let you ruin me
how did i let you ruin me
it was those fucking eyes i think
or that stupid laugh
or that car where you fucked me in the back seat
i wanted you to ruin me
i loved it when you took your shirt off
it made me smile when we didnt kiss
when will you stop ruining me
do i want it to stop
will i stop it
you called me from outside my house at two in the morning
i answered, you picked me up
with beer in the car
and we just drove
and you continued to ruin me
i didnt stop it
i didnt want that night to end
but i had too right, we found water and made out in the park
and then we slept in the car, not holding each other
when morning came you dropped me off
in last nights clothes
in last nights regrets
you had ruined me, fully

el niño del carro negro.

he came in the dark. with shorts and
a dorky smile. happy to see me, but i lost him. in that same darkness. because i was dumb. drunk i mean. high i mean.
who the fuck cares. i hurt him.
why. why. why. i liked him. he makes me laugh. he makes me happy. he made me. he doesn't care about me. not tonight. i don't like me. not ever. fuck. i am sad. i lost a friend. a man that understood me.
he made it easy to be me. and he cared.
i lost him.
in some dark driveway. with my mouth
stained with lies. i want to forget the betrayal. i'll be sad and lonely.
i can't suffer if i'm drunk.
he made me a fool. we took shots under the parking lot. dragged cigarettes.
drove home. what a profound pain.
this drink is for the men. the ones who hurt me. who ignored me. who dropped me off past my bedtime.
i've inherited these men's pain. their embarrassment. the many drunken nights.
but none will move for me.
i went to them to suffer. i couldn't find the faults in our love. but love isn't found in the backseat of a black car. with a liquor bottle at my leg. such a profound way of living. i know they don't love me, just my thoughts. in my life with these guys i was happy. but stars didn't shine bright.
they left me. so this drink is for them.
i've written this down so many times. how i'll never go back to them ever again. but that's a lie. the diary of a drunk man.
i left him. for a ride to my house.

a short story. about giving me a ride home.

i should tell you. how much it means
to me, that you gave me a ride home.
i should've taken you out. showed you
to the world. but you're not mine to
share. i don't think i ever was.
it was clear. i was terrified.
of letting you in.
of letting you love me.
everyone would've been staring.
i feel so stupid.
let you go. let you drive away.
used you. listened to your music.
in my head it happened differently.
it went like this, we got into your
car. kissed and started undressing each other. and we moved to the backseat.
where you kissed my neck and i laughed.
and your arms just held me.
i just let you hold me.
for the first time, in a long time, i attempted being happy.
and i failed. especially in your car.
i looked so stupid wearing a striped shirt.
as if you care. you invited me down.
watched you react with your friends it
was sweet. i want so bad to be a part of
your life.
you know every inch of my soul.
i'm afraid to say i'll be alone.
you're beautiful.
you're not mine.
i'm misbehaving.
but you were mine once.
in the car ride to my house.
in the big white house.
on those bunk beds.
in my blue jeans.
i still remember that day we met
October. you left Saturday,
but came back Sunday.
say you'll remember.
just say you'll be here.
but when you drove off it was too
late. i'll have to remember it for next time.