things i'll never say.

it's nothing really. just thoughts, or dreams. i can't tell anymore. i don't want to let go of that time, in the bunk beds, where we shared pillow space.
last night i got in his car. last night he wore a tie. and a warm jacket. he didn't say much and that's fine. he probably didn't smell my cologne. or notice my new jeans. or maybe he did. i don't care too much about myself.
i didn't want that night to end. for once i didn't want the night to be about me. for once i fought the urge to hold his hand. i held back a lot actually.
i just sat there in his car. trying not to pay too much attention to his hair, or mine. my mother can't find me. not tonight. she left before i did. before i got into his car. before any thought...of wanting him inside.
the breath that carried me.
the sigh that blew me forward.
trapped between two lungs.
each breath screaming we are all too young to die. jammed between two bodies. meeting at night. where promises were made. we haven't grown apart. walking the only path we know. pain, or adulthood.
lets break some hearts.
i will never speak of ways to hold your hand. or the way you drive. nothing like luis. and i'm glad you're not like him. he's too rough. he's too mean. he bites me. he drives to fast and blames it on the size of his dick. or the way his father treats him.
but you don't do that. you ride
slow. maybe thinking. or just driving.
listening to music. singing along. making me feel involved.
making me smile.
making all worry disappear.
and for the time i'm with you...
it all just stops.
time doesn't feel the same.
it feels warm. it feels trapped.
in between two bodies.

but i'd never say this out loud.
i won't say how much i liked your tie.
or how every time you wear those glasses you look handsome.
i will say this.
thanks for last saturday night.